Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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