Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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