Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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