All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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