i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
