Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
