I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
