First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
