I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
