So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
