So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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