Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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