For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
