i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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