Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
