Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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