Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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