i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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