I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
well you can't waste a boner
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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