I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am midnight drunk by noon
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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