i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
