I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
