is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
