Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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