My friends, they love my intelligence
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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