The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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