She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
