Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Enjoy the penises
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
