i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
