Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
