theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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