i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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