the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
