I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
