you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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