Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
