I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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