Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
