I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize