if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Can you bring me the toilet please
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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