my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
