...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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