Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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