when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize