dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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