Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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