yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
