He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
