Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
third nipple confirmed
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
