Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
