And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I puked a lego.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also, beer. Big fan.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
we're so committed to being not committed
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