White coat. Heels.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
