I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My penis needs a shock collar
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize