I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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