Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
