If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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