Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
