I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ambien. No doubt about it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
