Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
