When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
