saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
