i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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