just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
