I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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