Don't you send me to vm
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i out mim tonsoeep
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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