Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His hands were made for my vagina.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
