because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
