Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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