I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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