when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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