we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
