she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My vagina just clenched in fear
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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