my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
